How to Convincingly Fake an Illness

0 0 Tuesday, September 2, 2014 Edit this post

Some mornings, we don't want to wake up to go for work. Then we remind ourselves that we are the 'can do' people. At out best, we are optimistic, focused, goal oriented...

dearJulius.com is full of tips to help you become a ‘can do’ high achiever. Someday, you genuinely don't believe in ‘working your ass off’ (an expression used by one of my most avid readers) for the company that pays your credit card installments, today you'll learn how to successfully fake an illness an blow off steam on your PlayStation.

Employees have been faking sickies ever since there were difficult jobs to be done and other people to do them for them. It goes back to the beginning of time.After he had sharpened his crude stone spear, an alpha man must have hollered out to his beta male mates to go hunt woolly mammoth. To which the early beta male quietly grunted back "you guys go ahead, I think I am coming down with something."

You, however are yet to master the fundamental principles of throwing sickies for performances and embarrassing results. I advise my fellow corporate cogs to throw fake sickies for practice. This will help you stay in form for the big day.

Here are some easy to follow rules for throwing a sickie:

Keep it simple

There are many diseases that are complicated, rare and deadly. Doctors spend years researching and learning about them. You can't substitute the years doctors spend researching these diseases with five minute on Google. Therefore, only use illnesses you’re familiar with. If you have a history of asthma, awesome. Everybody in your office must have spotted your inhaler. Or you can visit your relatives or friends when fall ill. Not only will they be touched by your concern, you will get an opportunity to study the symptoms.

Sound sick while faking it

Try and sound as ill as possible. A handy tip is not to speak or drink anything before making the call. If you smoke, light a cigarette and take a few puffs as you dial the number. The gratey, wheezy cough will be worth a thousand lies. Remember to make your sick-leave call from a quiet place. The following are not recommended in this category: Rock concerts, railway stations, discos and pubs.

Never undersell your illness

Underselling your illness is the same as falling back on your promises. A common mistake employees make is to call in sick when they have an interview or miss a train only to arrive an hour later, miraculously cured. A good rule of thumb is for illnesses to last two days, injuries at least one. Don't forget to forget to limp a bit afterwards.

Doctor’s certificate to the rescue

A certificate separates the amateurs from the pros. Foolproof evidence helps you stay in character and deflects inquisitive questions. Trust your friendly family doctor for this one.

Sick Leave Tips