- Robin Madell is an award-winning journalist who founded the Life After 30 Salon and facilitated it for a decade in New York and San Francisco to help 30-somethings nationwide explore the hopes and challenges of middle adulthood.
- The following is an excerpt from her book, "Surviving Your Thirties: Americans Talk About Life After 30."
- In it, one of the people she interviews is Luzmiel Diaz, a 35-year-old living in Brooklyn. Diaz isn't sure of what, exactly, she wants to be doing, or where she's going.
- "Now I have to start taking care of myself. Anything that you did before 35, now it can kill you. That's what it says on all the little warnings: 'Women after 35.' Now everything has to change because I need to get ready for my 40s," Diaz said.
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Luzmiel Diaz, 35, Brooklyn, NY
[In her fifth-floor sublet apartment, just off the L train in Brooklyn. Her artwork is propped up around the living room. The place has a temporary feel — spacious by New York standards but in need of TLC. She's required to move out in a few months.]
Being in my 30s — especially my mid-30s — I feel like it's just about me now. I'm my own focus. And my focus changed to something that I want to do, not something I was pressured or had to do.
My mindset has changed in my 30s. I got so tired of the regular routine, being in the office and the 401(k) — "Is this it? Is this what I'm working for? Is this what I'm living for, just trying to survive and save up?" And realizing that's not why I want to live. I don't want my life to be just about survival.
I've always loved painting. The idea of planning for someday that I'll never have to work, and I'll just be able to sit around and paint all day — I want to be able to do that now. Sometimes I'll wake up earlier and paint for a couple of hours so that my life isn't work/come home, work/come home, work/come home. I'm not going to wait 'til I'm 40 or 50. I want to be able to enjoy my life now.
I'm no longer thinking about retirement because I just don't think it'll happen. I've come to the realization I'll probably be working for the rest of my life. But what else would I be doing? Be all 50 in Florida somewhere with the other New York retirees watching TV? Maybe I'll make my life more exciting when I'm 50 if I don't have a big retirement fund.
There are a whole lot of issues in my 30s. Whether I want to have kids or not. What's going to happen when I'm 40. Do I want to be in a long-term relationship. Do I want to stay in New York, because I need a roommate. Getting back to taking care of myself physically. My life expectancy plays in my head quite a bit, just curious about what's going to happen. I'm trying to figure out what I need to do with my life in general, to get out of the office clicking the mouse all day. And how to do what I want to do that I haven't done.
'What do you do?'
When people ask, "Well, what do you do?" I never know what to say. My goals as far as careers change all the time. I like to explore different avenues. I've never focused on, "I want to be this when I grow up." I never had any idea. I knew what people were telling me I should be. I followed that path for a while until I was like, "No, this is not what I want." I don't know what it is.
When I initially went to college, I was supposed to study accounting because I was good in numbers — like my dad was. I did it for a few years and then I was like, "This isn't me." When I was a kid, I used to love painting and drawing, and then they tell you, "That's not a career. You need to study math," so you suppress a lot of that. Now I'm just trying to be like, "This is my life. I'm going to do what I want." I need to pursue these things — or just try, because I don't want to look back and say I never did any of those things.
So I went to art school, but I never thought of it as a career. For a while, all I wanted to do was be a bartender. I bartended for about eight years, and then it was like, "OK, well, maybe this is not a career." So in my early 30s, friends said, "Why don't you do graphic design, so you can combine art and business?" I started doing it and I realized I was back where I said I didn't want to be. I'm sitting at a desk crunching numbers.
Some people will be like, "Oh, I do this, and I want to make a film, and I want to do this" — and they've got it. I used to feel bad about not really having it. But the idea of picking one career and having to be stuck with it … I do graphic design, yeah, but am I a graphic designer? I don't think that's what I am. I just do it because I need the money right now. I'm just getting a paycheck so I can figure out what I want to do.
'You're more concerned about your security at this age'
I don't really have a choice but to do certain things now, and when I was younger, I had a choice. I was like, "Well, if I don't want to go to work, I don't have to go. What are they gonna do, fire me? So what. I'll get another job." I didn't really care or think about it. Or maybe I just didn't have the responsibility that I have now. Now it's like, "Well, I have to go. I'm committed. I need to pay my rent." Now I think about it more.
You're more concerned about your security at this age. You're more concerned about secure and safe. Maybe it's that fear of like, "What if I'm 50 and I'm still single? Who's gonna help take care of me?" But there's no guarantee that if you're with someone now, they're going to be there when you're 50.
The 401(k) — I think it's a false sense of security. I had the 401(k) and the stock options, but then our stocks dropped, and I lost more than half my money! I don't think it's something that I'll never do again, though. If I end up full time at a company, I would take advantage of it. But I don't think I'll ever rely on it as: "As long as I'm doing this, I'm alright." I can't depend on it. My friend in her 60s is like, "You say that now because you're young. But when you get old, all you need is money." And I was like, "Alright, whatever. We'll see."
'Who knew that I was going to have a roommate at 35?'
I love New York City. I grew up here. But the reality is that it's such a struggle to make a living here. You can make six figures and still struggle to make ends meet. I haven't figured out whether "I'm gonna be broke next week" is something that I want to constantly deal with. Who knew that I was going to have a roommate at 35?
That's how I ended up in Brooklyn. I would love to own something, but being here, I don't see it happening unless I win the Lotto, and I don't play. The idea of spending half-a-million dollars on a one-bedroom apartment just seems absurd to me.
I know very few people that live in New York and have their own apartment. When my mom had me, she lived on the Upper West Side. She was in nursing school, and she had her own apartment. But life was so different then! For people growing up in my generation, even people younger than me, it will be very difficult to accomplish things that our parents accomplished. I don't think we can really measure up.
So many friends that I've grown up with, their parents have these beautiful homes. Their moms stayed home and their dads worked. They had their American Dream at their time. Is that why people my age are going into debt to buy houses and have kids, because that's what their parents did? I don't know. At least I'm not the only one in my 30s struggling. I'm not the only 35-year-old that might need a roommate. You realize that this is universal.
'Where am I going?'
I feel like I keep moving, just bad experiences with apartments and roommates. I want some place I can be for more than a year. I mean my lease isn't up until I think the end of January, but I want to be able to unpack everything. I don't want to have half my stuff still in boxes, or when I do decide to unpack, I've got to pack again. I want to put up my artwork. I want to get comfortable. I want to roll up my towels and put them on a shelf somewhere.
At the same time, having these things is forcing me to stay somewhere. I love having furniture for that security, but I hate being tied to it. What if I want to pick up and go? I have all this crap. It ties me down. I'm tired of lugging it around. So every once in a while I'll try to get rid of everything. But then I'm like, well what if I'm not going anywhere? Where am I going? I haven't figured it out yet. And maybe that's why I keep ending up in temporary situations.
I don't know what I want; I just want the thing there when I want it. I want to snap my fingers when I want it. Have my cake and eat it, too. It's that struggle with having my independence and being free. I need some security — I do need a home. But I feel like when I get a home, it's kind of like I'm stuck here. What do I do? Sometimes I think I wouldn't mind like when I was younger and I went out to the West Coast, just have everything in a backpack. But at the same time, I think eventually it would get to me.
'I don't want to die unhappy with my life'
I remember one thing my mom told me about not being miserable. When my grandmother passed away, my mom told me she died very unhappy. So when I was younger I thought, "I don't want to die unhappy with my life." And that's where I found myself in my early 30s. That really hit hard, because I promised myself that I would never be here. And I kind of felt stuck, like this is not where I was supposed to be.
I really expected to be happy with being 30: "Oh, I have this new life! I'm going to discover so much." And felt like instead I just got caught in a bear trap. Like you were running through the woods and "Oh — was I not paying attention?"
For the first half of my 30s, I was in a pretty difficult relationship. Started dating right before I turned 30, and we broke up a year ago. I was definitely gun-shy for a while after that, and in a lot of ways I still am. Right now I don't really care about being in a committed relationship.
I'm dating someone now, but I don't necessarily feel like this relationship has to last. He already had a family, so there's no pressure on me to do anything. I don't need to know whether we're going to get married and have a family. You never know where something's going to go.
'Does that mean that I haven't grown up?'
I guess I haven't really defined growing up. I don't know if independence and growing up are the same thing. Maybe still in my mind, I'm a grown-up when I get married and have a family. And since I haven't done those things, does that mean that I haven't grown up?
Your 20s are about fitting in. My 30s had to do with accepting who I am, and not trying to fit myself into a mold that I wasn't fitting into, or thinking, "Maybe I need to be here, and I'm here." It becomes weird comparing myself to friends that have homes and families. I don't know whether to be happy that I don't, or sad that I don't.
Getting married was never on my list of things to do. My parents divorced when I was four. My dad was kind of absent, but I always loved the fact that he traveled and he did so much. My mom was always there. She was the worker, the supporter. She raised all of us by herself. I never knew whether I really wanted to do that.
I'm kind of juggling my mom and my dad in both hands. How do you combine those? That struggle between feeling like you want to be close to someone, but there are also all these other things that you want to do, and either choosing to stick with something, or letting go. I need that stability that I got from my mom, but I also need to explore the world like my dad did. And the two don't really seem to always fit.
'I mean I love kids, but I had a dog for a year'
The thought of having a kid, I don't know. I used to think, "Yeah, maybe it'll be nice." I don't necessarily want to go through the process, but I've always wanted the decision to be mine. I think about it in terms of … not that I better hurry up and do this? But I never want it to get to a point where now it's too late. I want it to be my reason why I don't do it.
I don't know what I'm missing. And I don't know if I'm missing anything. I wish I knew. Maybe it's just that joy of this life you've created. But you know, I think I can live without that. It's supposed to be so amazing and so wonderful … it doesn't sound it. Whenever I talk to my friends that have kids, they just get on the phone and complain.
I do think about, what if I change my mind? But … I don't think I will. And there are plenty of kids who need homes, so it'll never really be too late to have a child in your life. I mean I love kids, but I had a dog for a year. I had to be here to walk him three or four times a day. That alone was just like, "Uch. Do I have to do this?" He's living with my friend now in Jersey.
'I have a certain number of years left where I have to get it together'
Whenever I thought about 35, it was never about having kids. It was always about well, now I have to stop. Now I have to start taking care of myself. Anything that you did before 35, now it can kill you. That's what it says on all the little warnings: "Women after 35." Now everything has to change because I need to get ready for my 40s.
I have a certain number of years left where I have to get it together. I feel like if I'm not healthy by the time I'm 40, I'm not going to be healthy ever. Like 40's the cut-off. You better do it before then, otherwise accept your fate.
The only time I feel old is when some 18-year-old is asking me for my ID. And I feel like, "You know what? I need to see your ID buddy. You shouldn't even be serving me alcohol!" That's when I feel like, "God I'm old."
There are lots of things I haven't done. I want to run a marathon. I want to own my own bar. I want to travel the world, just to see if this whole way of living that I've been brought up to believe is really true. I don't really think that it's true. I think we can all find our own paths, and follow that, and live your own way.
'I can't wait to turn 40'
If I knew I wasn't going to live much past 40, I'd probably do some things differently. I'd quit my job I think, and just sit here and paint. I can't wait to turn 40. I think: "Well when I'm 40, my life should be just perfect!" But I have no idea how my life will change. I don't really know any women in their 40s to know what to expect. I only know what I see on magazine covers. So I'm completely clueless. It's almost like jumping on an airplane and saying, "Take me anywhere."
I want to be able to see a positive end result to the second half of my 30s. I hope to be able to look back and be like, "This is what I did. This is how I've changed. This is how I've grown." The first half, I had to learn so much, and it was very hard. I want the second half to be like, "I've learned all these lessons, and now I need to make positive things happen out of this."
I found this diary that I wrote about my very first boyfriend when I was 17, and I had the same complaints! So I want to see improvement. I want to be 40 and say, "You know what? I did do the things that I wanted to do." I want to be able to check off some accomplishments and say that my 30s weren't a complete bust. That I wasn't just struggling through a bad relationship. I got something out of this. Something that ever since I was a kid I've always wanted to do.
'Am I really doing what I'm supposed to be doing?'
Right now I'm just kind of rolling with the tides, going with the flow. Trying to put everything that I've learned together and figure something out. I feel like I'm getting closer — a lot closer than I was last year. I'm closer than I've ever been. The fact that I'm even aware of it — I just wasn't before. Didn't think about it or didn't care. Being aware of it now is enough for me. It's enough to be somewhat satisfied that I'm at least heading on my way to being on the right track.
I'm looking for that sense of validation. I didn't fall into the whole, "I'm going to get married and have a family, and that's how my life is going to change." So I'm looking for validation in something else — or if I even need to be validated. Maybe every few years, you're just reminded of the things that you're always struggling against.
I'm looking for clarity in what I'm doing, that I'm on the right path — some satisfaction that I'm doing the right thing, or some sort of answer. Like am I really doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Or am I just way off? But maybe that won't happen 'til I'm 40. I'll figure it out when I'm 40.
I don't know when it's going to happen, or what the timeline is. I don't know if I'll ever know. But I don't know if I would want someone to tell me, because I don't know if I would try as hard. I don't know if the experience would be the same. If I knew "Yeah, you're doing the right thing," then would I stop? I don't want to take it for granted. So maybe it's better that I don't know.
I could be pursuing this for the rest of my life. As long as I'm pursuing it, I think I'll be happy. Yeah, it could be a lifetime journey, but I want to be on that journey. I don't want to miss out. Being on that journey is just enough right now.
Postscript
From: Lu Diaz
To: Mailing List
Date: Friday, January 12, 12:58 PM
Subject: Apt. Hunting
Hi All,
I'm looking for a new home and have to move out of my apartment by March 1. Let me know if you hear of any available apartments. I'm in Williamsburg now (and over it!) I'm open to other areas and looking to pay up to $1200.
Anyway,
Happy New Year
Lu
A year post-interview, Luzmiel reports that she's still with her boyfriend, who has three preteen daughters: "I guess this is my new challenge. I'm trying to figure out how and if this relationship can actually work. I love him, but having three young girls added to the mix can be a little scary." Her apartment search was still in progress two weeks before the enforced move date: "I haven't found a place yet."
Copyright © 2013 by Robin Madell. From "Surviving Your Thirties: Americans Talk About Life After 30," published by Dog Ear Press. Reprinted by permission.
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